Myself Umesh Rawat and I am a
person who stammer. Currently I am doing my post graduation in computer
engineering. I start stuttering since childhood but was very good in hiding
stuttering from others. Although I was a covert stammer but never able to share
my stuttering with anyone. I was always feared what would happen if people got
to know that I stuttered. I exactly remember how and when my stammering started
in childhood. Till 10th class, I was sent to my bua ji’s home to
study because they lived in city. When I was in U.K.G; in one of the class, our
class teacher told us name of our current prime minister. She said that it was
P.P Narshima Rao. The next day same question was asked to whole class but no
one was able to remember that name. I remember but not exactly, I stood up
immediately and speak loudly “Mam it is P..p. p N.. Narshima Rao.” Whole class
included teacher though burst to laugh at this funny speaking. I got shocked
and felt guilty on what silly mistake I had done. That moment became
unforgettable for me. After this whenever I stood up to answer a question in
class, I got feared by previous experience. Some classmates start to imitate me
by calling “P.P”. I started to block on difficult words, I hate that others
laugh on me. I found myself always in a pressure of speaking fluently; but as
much a tried to avoid it, I got more blocks. Something unusual was happening to
me, I really wanted to look like others so I started to substitute the words.
Nobody knew that I am a person who stutter, even not my family members. But
every day of school was like a new pain for me. I always thought what would
happen if a new teacher came and would start introduction of class. I used my
whole energy to hide this thing; it was really a shameful sin to stutter in
front of people. Although I was very good in study, I always topped the class
in tests and exams. I thought nobody knew that I stutter and someday I would
cure it by myself, but I was wrong; When I was in class 6th, one of
my teacher called me and asked “Would you like to do a role in our school
drama? We need a person who stammers to play just a small role of stammer.” I
was really shocked how she got to know about this thing. I clearly refused to
do so and ran away immediately. After this I became a shy and introvert
personality. I was a student who always topped the class but never participated
in stage activities of the school. I really wanted to show myself to others by
performing on stage but every time I thought that this year I may stammer but
certainly try in next year after cure hesitation. But instead of decreasing,
stammering was increasing. School time passed without doing anything excited,
12th class also passed with good marks but now I started to feel that I am on
falling verge. Stammering was consuming my whole energy and it was starting to
show its effect in my study too. I took admission in engineering college but I
found myself in worse situation than before. I started to afraid of talking new
students, girls in class, teachers that’s why never asked a question in class
to teacher. Although somehow I was successfully able to hide my stammering to
my friends, teachers and everyone around me but I always found myself with a
lot of anxiety and mental pressure. The biggest problem was that to whom I
would share my buried pain. I always thought what I would do in my life. How I
will be able to express myself to others. It was really a painful thing why
nobody knows anything about it and only I was suffering with this. Sometime my
whole day passed in thinking and contemplation.
Last year, I came in touch
with some TISA member by Internet and phone. Attending communication workshop
at Herburtpur was a life changing thing for me. I really enjoyed that meeting
and realized how much I closed myself in cell. Stammering not only changing my
way of speech but more effectively it was stopping me in many other areas too.
I was avoiding many other tasks only because of speech. I realized that I
didn’t like to face risk and secure myself before anything happen, so all the
things I wanted to achieve threw my comfort zone. I met with other pws, share
my pain, feelings and experience with them (I was really strange to know that
all have almost similar experience). Seems like something a huge burden from my
mind started to melt out. Meeting with them is like learning new education,
change in attitude, ready to face the fear, self-believe, leaving the negative
thoughts, developing social skills and many other things like way to meditation
and spiritualism. Speaking to a group, doing funny activities, traveling to
new places with friends was really like a dream come true. I got several
friends from TISA who are always supportive and helpful. I told about my stuttering
to my family, friends, close ones and classmates. I found myself more relieved
than before. Yes I still stutter but now I am much comfortable with my
stuttering and seems like no task in this world which I can’t do. I got my self-believe
back. A long path still remains to achieve. I want to become a teacher because
I want to speak a lot, want to share my knowledge and want to make this world
more beautiful. I believe with TISA my dream will surely come true. Thanks to
TISA and my friends for making my life so much comfortable and beautiful than
before.
