My story-How I grow up as a stutter

Myself Umesh Rawat and I am a person who stammer. Currently I am doing my post graduation in computer engineering. I start stuttering since childhood but was very good in hiding stuttering from others. Although I was a covert stammer but never able to share my stuttering with anyone. I was always feared what would happen if people got to know that I stuttered. I exactly remember how and when my stammering started in childhood. Till 10^th class, I was sent to my bua ji’s home to study because they lived in city. When I was in U.K.G; in one of the class, our class teacher told us name of our current prime minister. She said that it was P.P Narshima Rao. The next day same question was asked to whole class but no one was able to remember that name. I remember but not exactly, I stood up immediately and speak loudly “Mam it is P..p. p N.. Narshima Rao.” Whole class included teacher though burst to laugh at this funny speaking. I got shocked and felt guilty on what silly mistake I had done. That moment became unforgettable for me. After this whenever I stood up to answer a question in class, I got feared by previous experience. Some classmates start to imitate me by calling “P.P”. I started to block on difficult words, I hate that others laugh on me. I found myself always in a pressure of speaking fluently; but as much a tried to avoid it, I got more blocks. Something unusual was happening to me, I really wanted to look like others so I started to substitute the words. Nobody knew that I am a person who stutter, even not my family members. But every day of school was like a new pain for me. I always thought what would happen if a new teacher came and would start introduction of class. I used my whole energy to hide this thing; it was really a shameful sin to stutter in front of people. Although I was very good in study, I always topped the class in tests and exams. I thought nobody knew that I stutter and someday I would cure it by myself, but I was wrong; When I was in class 6^th, one of my teacher called me and asked “Would you like to do a role in our school drama? We need a person who stammers to play just a small role of stammer.” I was really shocked how she got to know about this thing. I clearly refused to do so and ran away immediately. After this I became a shy and introvert personality. I was a student who always topped the class but never participated in stage activities of the school. I really wanted to show myself to others by performing on stage but every time I thought that this year I may stammer but certainly try in next year after cure hesitation. But instead of decreasing, stammering was increasing. School time passed without doing anything excited, 12th class also passed with good marks but now I started to feel that I am on falling verge. Stammering was consuming my whole energy and it was starting to show its effect in my study too. I took admission in engineering college but I found myself in worse situation than before. I started to afraid of talking new students, girls in class, teachers that’s why never asked a question in class to teacher. Although somehow I was successfully able to hide my stammering to my friends, teachers and everyone around me but I always found myself with a lot of anxiety and mental pressure. The biggest problem was that to whom I would share my buried pain. I always thought what I would do in my life. How I will be able to express myself to others. It was really a painful thing why nobody knows anything about it and only I was suffering with this. Sometime my whole day passed in thinking and contemplation.

                    Last year, I came in touch with some TISA member by Internet and phone. Attending communication workshop at Herburtpur was a life changing thing for me. I really enjoyed that meeting and realized how much I closed myself in cell. Stammering not only changing my way of speech but more effectively it was stopping me in many other areas too. I was avoiding many other tasks only because of speech. I realized that I didn’t like to face risk and secure myself before anything happen, so all the things I wanted to achieve threw my comfort zone. I met with other pws, share my pain, feelings and experience with them (I was really strange to know that all have almost similar experience). Seems like something a huge burden from my mind started to melt out. Meeting with them is like learning new education, change in attitude, ready to face the fear, self-believe, leaving the negative thoughts, developing social skills and many other things like way to meditation and spiritualism. Speaking to a group, doing funny activities, traveling to new places with friends was really like a dream come true. I got several friends from TISA who are always supportive and helpful. I told about my stuttering to my family, friends, close ones and classmates. I found myself more relieved than before. Yes I still stutter but now I am much comfortable with my stuttering and seems like no task in this world which I can’t do. I got my self-believe back. A long path still remains to achieve. I want to become a teacher because I want to speak a lot, want to share my knowledge and want to make this world more beautiful. I believe with TISA my dream will surely come true. Thanks to TISA and my friends for making my life so much comfortable and beautiful than before.