My story-How I grow up as a stutter

Myself Umesh Rawat and I am a person who stammer. Currently I am doing my post graduation in computer engineering. I start stuttering since childhood but was very good in hiding stuttering from others. Although I was a covert stammer but never able to share my stuttering with anyone. I was always feared what would happen if people got to know that I stuttered. I exactly remember how and when my stammering started in childhood. Till 10^th class, I was sent to my bua ji’s home to study because they lived in city. When I was in U.K.G; in one of the class, our class teacher told us name of our current prime minister. She said that it was P.P Narshima Rao. The next day same question was asked to whole class but no one was able to remember that name. I remember but not exactly, I stood up immediately and speak loudly “Mam it is P..p. p N.. Narshima Rao.” Whole class included teacher though burst to laugh at this funny speaking. I got shocked and felt guilty on what silly mistake I had done. That moment became unforgettable for me. After this whenever I stood up to answer a question in class, I got feared by previous experience. Some classmates start to imitate me by calling “P.P”. I started to block on difficult words, I hate that others laugh on me. I found myself always in a pressure of speaking fluently; but as much a tried to avoid it, I got more blocks. Something unusual was happening to me, I really wanted to look like others so I started to substitute the words. Nobody knew that I am a person who stutter, even not my family members. But every day of school was like a new pain for me. I always thought what would happen if a new teacher came and would start introduction of class. I used my whole energy to hide this thing; it was really a shameful sin to stutter in front of people. Although I was very good in study, I always topped the class in tests and exams. I thought nobody knew that I stutter and someday I would cure it by myself, but I was wrong; When I was in class 6^th, one of my teacher called me and asked “Would you like to do a role in our school drama? We need a person who stammers to play just a small role of stammer.” I was really shocked how she got to know about this thing. I clearly refused to do so and ran away immediately. After this I became a shy and introvert personality. I was a student who always topped the class but never participated in stage activities of the school. I really wanted to show myself to others by performing on stage but every time I thought that this year I may stammer but certainly try in next year after cure hesitation. But instead of decreasing, stammering was increasing. School time passed without doing anything excited, 12th class also passed with good marks but now I started to feel that I am on falling verge. Stammering was consuming my whole energy and it was starting to show its effect in my study too. I took admission in engineering college but I found myself in worse situation than before. I started to afraid of talking new students, girls in class, teachers that’s why never asked a question in class to teacher. Although somehow I was successfully able to hide my stammering to my friends, teachers and everyone around me but I always found myself with a lot of anxiety and mental pressure. The biggest problem was that to whom I would share my buried pain. I always thought what I would do in my life. How I will be able to express myself to others. It was really a painful thing why nobody knows anything about it and only I was suffering with this. Sometime my whole day passed in thinking and contemplation.

                    Last year, I came in touch with some TISA member by Internet and phone. Attending communication workshop at Herburtpur was a life changing thing for me. I really enjoyed that meeting and realized how much I closed myself in cell. Stammering not only changing my way of speech but more effectively it was stopping me in many other areas too. I was avoiding many other tasks only because of speech. I realized that I didn’t like to face risk and secure myself before anything happen, so all the things I wanted to achieve threw my comfort zone. I met with other pws, share my pain, feelings and experience with them (I was really strange to know that all have almost similar experience). Seems like something a huge burden from my mind started to melt out. Meeting with them is like learning new education, change in attitude, ready to face the fear, self-believe, leaving the negative thoughts, developing social skills and many other things like way to meditation and spiritualism. Speaking to a group, doing funny activities, traveling to new places with friends was really like a dream come true. I got several friends from TISA who are always supportive and helpful. I told about my stuttering to my family, friends, close ones and classmates. I found myself more relieved than before. Yes I still stutter but now I am much comfortable with my stuttering and seems like no task in this world which I can’t do. I got my self-believe back. A long path still remains to achieve. I want to become a teacher because I want to speak a lot, want to share my knowledge and want to make this world more beautiful. I believe with TISA my dream will surely come true. Thanks to TISA and my friends for making my life so much comfortable and beautiful than before.

Me as Whitewasher ..

Today I was sleeping in day. I got dream of myself doing whitewash everywhere. I listen somewhere that we actually get dreams of those things which we want to do but cant do, because of society or may be some other reasons :-) That things store in our subconscious part of the mind and it releases when we fall asleep. Because in sleep we don't have control on our body or thoughts so they flow naturally as they want. If we have fear of something then we would always get dream of which scared us or we want to escape from something. If we want to murder someone then we really want to do same in our dream :-). If we want to do something unusual then our mind want to achieve this thing in our uncontrolled dreams. Coming back to my dream, in childhood I always like the way by which a white-washer transforms an ugly wall into a new one, just by playing with a brush and lime water.  It seems very funny and interesting how we can change our surrounding environment by just doing paints all around us. In dream, I wanted to color the walls of my room with different different colors. one wall with green color and it's opposite wall should be of yellow, the remaining adjacent walls also should of two different colors :-) and believe me it would be more a joy of pride if I perform this interesting work by my own hand. I took brush and bucket of lime water and started to play all around. I use white color most because I like two colors most, one is White and other is Sky blue. In my dream whenever I see any dirty or faded wall around me ,I started my work until I feel satisfied. I wandered in the streets of my city to locate the walls which needed whitewash immediately. I was very liking this work and fully enjoying myself in this...soon one of my friend entered in my room and awakened me by his loud voice. He loudly spoke "Sale college nhi chalna, kab tak soyega!!" I stand up in a surprised. I got some anger why he broke my such a beautiful dream. Sala kawab mein Haddi!!.Mota!! I wrote down this dream immediately because dreams start to vanish as soon as we woke up, because if they would won't vanish then would fill up our whole mind memory and it would be exhausted only by dreams. So if you want to remember your dream don't be late otherwise you will loose it :-)

One year with TISA

I attended my first stammering workshop which held in Herburtpur from May 2 to May 6 2011. So one year has been passed but it doesn't seems like that it is only one year. It is like that I have all those TISA friends with me more than a decade. Yesterday, one of my friend, Rakesh reminds me by calling on phone, said "Umesh bhai aaj 2 may hai. aaj hume Tisa se jude pura ek saal ho gaye hai". I was astonished to think that if it was really one year passed. Remembering my old memories, I found myself that I get so many and good friends in this one year. I found myself so much changed from outside as well as from inside. But all this was happen only because of one big initiative, one encouraging step. If I did not attend that workshop by excusing myself, no change can ever be possible. I still remembered, I went alone by booking my reservation to Dehradun by train, perhaps I was quite nervous to think, what would be going to happen to me there because I had never taken a speech therapy, not even had a quite discussion about my stammering with anyone. I was thinking in whole journey that either it would be big step to live a life that I always dream of or it would be just a waste of time. I was lucky that I got to find two other people after reaching Dehradun railway station. But the funny thing which I was feeling after joining them that everyone was quite nervous to talk with each other. Mr. Rajender sharma and Ram Rajput were my two other pal. I remember my first day of workshop when I entered in the seminar hall of hospital. Perhaps we all were nervous to think what would be going to happen with us. Rakesh jaiswal, Anubhav beri and Reekrit were other guys whom I met there.  One more funny thing, we all wanted to show each other that I can speak better than the rest (now all it seems like craziness). Anyway It was awesome experience during whole workshop. First time I used to speak in front of group of people, first time I received round of applauds from others after speaking, no matter with dis fluency. We did lots of other fun and fear-melting activities like, we took stuttering interview of each others and then of strangers, we wear T-shirts with slogans written on them "Haklao Magar Pyar Se", we made call to our friends and family members to tell them that we are here in stammering workshop because we stammer. Last day we went to Samagra where we got a chance to meet with some foreigns students, we gave presentation there. We talked with them with our English (which always feared us more). Their support and friendly nature make us overwhelmed.

                 After spending all those precious moments in five days,there in Herburtpur. We returned with great worth, seems like we went with empty hands and now have so much with us that we could never got more than this. We had new friends, all questions were unveiled, we have techniques which can use use to get out of trouble but most important thing is; now we had believe in ourself with eyes were glittering with confidence. Now we were not alone. After that all is history, I attended one more workshop there, I attended Delhi workshop on stuttering awareness day (22 oct) and then National conference in Bhuwneswar, Lot of shg meetings with Delhi shg group, Shimla regional meeting was most awesome trip. All so many great things in just one year. Really unbelievable!!!
                 Every workshop and meeting with TISA friends was always awesome and boost up my confidence and self believe. Yes, I still stutter. who says TISA can cure you, but now stammering can't let me down. Now I doesn't stop myself because of little disfluency. Now I doesn't feel shame when I blocked or do bouncing in front of my classmates. Now I have learned how to make myself comfortable with my stuttering, how to control my stuttering in fearing situation and how can I stutter easily. All this was happen only because of first step which I took one year ago. Although lots of things still remain to achieve and I don't see any reason why I can't achieve them. Thanks TISA and all my friends who made this one year so much amazing for me.
Click here to watch all those photos of first meeting with TISA.