Tuesday, August 13, 2013

World is becoming smaller but hearts are going apart

Our generation is most advances till now because we are living in 21th century. This is era of technology and fast communication that is social networking. Now there is no need to meet with old friends who live at distant places. Now you can connect with your friends with whom you study in 1st grade or to whom you met yesterday at a single place that is "social media". Social media is on more power because now you can use it on a go; means on you handheld devices like mobile or tablet. Facebook, twitter, whatsapp, wechat, skype etc. all are social media which also provide apps for mobiles too. Now you can connect with your friends and loved ones on a single platform and can get every little bit information second to second. So world has become so small and long distance just become fables. Communication was never so easy and fast as ever. But did we notice one thing?? Are we really come closer or went apart?? Before 20 years ago, no one would have imagined that communication will reach at this level. At that time, when we had to write letters to our loved ones and eagerly wait for their replies over months. We felt so much grace and joy in writing each single line and remember those reply letter for a long time. Relations still exist at that time and people do love too. They always thought that kash kuch aisa hota jisse hume dusre wale ki pal pal ki khabar milti rhe. It has happened today but simultaneously our hearts go apart. Now we do everything over social media. We share thoughts there, we share moments there, we share health there, fights there, break ups there. blah blah everything there!! But what has happened to our hearts. Now we do not care for emotions or feelings. Now we participate in debates and useless discussions just to show off our self images. What we show that is completely different in real & present. Sometimes we have to speak in manners while heart is filled with hatred. Sometime people do not respond just to show others how much busy they are in their life. We waste a lot of time in waiting for others and in useless cocktails.
          Is it a good way of living?? Why we make our self so much interested in others life?? Why we wait for responses by some people and ignore others? What is the need of wearing so much personality masks over again and again? Life is such a beautiful gift and we waste it on stupid things. No it should not be. Life can be used in exploring oneself. What I have inside?? Why I feel such like?? Why a thought come to my mind which disturb me?? So many things are there to explore about oneself. But we go on wondering outside, outside and outside. Just spend one hour for yourself and remaining for others. Don’t we need this!!

Saturday, March 16, 2013


I have lived almost half of my life (I am 26 now), one question always pops up in my mind since I was a child or when I started to have consciousness. What is the most worthy thing to get in life?? We get a life for some purpose. God must invest something in us, Nature also need something from us. So what is the thing behind which we should spend this life?? Of course there is one thing which is on everyone’s target “To live a happy life”. But there are many things which we start to search to become happy.
Fame, prestige, power, money, Love, spirituality and many others. It may be as many people are. I also started to vary from one thing to another since childhood. After seeing one thing from very close and understanding its final outcome, I will have to come on a uncertain point that it is not the thing which is worth to follow.
        When I was about 8 years, I always had dreams to become a celebrity (An actor, a politician, a magician etc.) and I would not find to become one of them is much hard because I always came first in my class and everyone used to say this boy is outstanding and brilliant. This feed to my ego too :-). I used to think that it’s not a life if you would die without people know you. At least your name should be in books so that your name would be remembered after your death. It took a long time but my this belief shattered badly. I started to watch the people with fame and publicity are empty from inside. Why they want to reach on top? Are they not satisfied what they are?? It seems they suffer from inferiority complex. Making yourself on top is quite a dependence on others because you always stay on top on shoulders of others, so that you could be drop down anytime by others when they want it. I took examples of many politicians, and it’s seemed true. So I dropped this idea about four years ago.
On second attempt, I started to believe that one thing is most worthy in life to get that is “MONEY”, because by having money you can do everything what you desire (even you can buy celebrities and politicians). If you have enough money you can fulfill whatsoever dreams you have. There is only one way to complete your dreams and that is money. Since childhood I was not hard of money, but my this belief shattered soon drastically. I analyzed my back life, Do I satisfied by having the things what I want?? Yes, Really!! Oh No, everything which I got once; my desire jumps for above it.What we get becomes useless for us and we start to desire for above, but we never reach on that level where we can say, now I got which i want and now I will stop chasing anything :-) Money can do many things but not everything. There are lots of things for which money is just a waste (see few old post in this blog). And In gathering of money we become so obsessed that we also forget why we are go on collecting it. We think that one day our target will be achieved and we do rest and enjoyed it. I read a story of American millionaire Andrew Carnegie. When he died he left 5 billion dollars behind him and before few days of his death he was busy in making deals of his business over phone. The writer who wrote his biography asked him if you are satisfied that you have earned so much money that no one ever earned is. He said “No, I just earned 5 billion dollars and I was having a target of 10 billion, I am dying as a defeated person”. Oh gosh!!
In third attempt, I came on third stage. I started to believe that only one thing is worthy to achieve and that is “LOVE”. Without love, there is no meaning of having money, fame or prestige. I started to search a beloved one for myself so that I shall spend my entire life in being love and bliss. If there is love in one’s life he can be happy in any situation. Love filled us from inside which we all need. For this search I started to live a life for searching love and spreading love to others. I find few persons in my life which seems that my search is finished and I have got what I always wanted to get. But alas soon this false belief too broke down like palace of cards. I was wrong again!! Love can’t be possible in human beings. Here we give love to others in a desire of return, and if we don’t get, it hurts most. I saw how people were playing with each other in name of love. It is simply demolition of each other. One thing which comes as a big hurdle in giving love is our ego. In love too, we want to become master of one another. All lovers fight day and night on only one thing, who is master?? People bound each other as they are things to them; they kill them by destroying their freedom. And then a process of taking revenge starts from each side. Love is masked with false emotions. Love is most temporary thing in this world. We love someone in morning, start to hate the same in afternoon and may be start to love again in evening but always have belief that our love is universal. Soon people started to fed up by each other as they get to know true self of each other. Love can be done truly only if it is done with detachment, people will come and go from your life and you can’t stop them. You will be hurtled as much as you attached with them.
In last, presently I got another attempt for my search, I got a point that our all search is outside, but we are trying to fill our inner being which is inside. How it can possible?? How the outside things fill the inner mind and satisfaction. It can be filled with something which is already inside us. And it can only be searched if we make our direction of searching outside to inside. So now the most worthy thing to get in life is to understand yourself; understanding one self’s mind, understanding our desires, our purpose of mad chase to the outside matters. As Gurdijef said that only sorrow in humanity is being sleep while pretending that we are awaken. Our mind never present where we are, its behavior is always running away. If we started to do the things by awaken state, have our mind where our body is. Start to live in present then it is called awaking from walking sleep. Our past is our memory and future is desire and only present is life which can be lived. It seems easy but it requires great effort because our sleep is our habit of many lives.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

My story-How I grow up as a stutter

Myself Umesh Rawat and I am a person who stammer. Currently I am doing my post graduation in computer engineering. I start stuttering since childhood but was very good in hiding stuttering from others. Although I was a covert stammer but never able to share my stuttering with anyone. I was always feared what would happen if people got to know that I stuttered. I exactly remember how and when my stammering started in childhood. Till 10th class, I was sent to my bua ji’s home to study because they lived in city. When I was in U.K.G; in one of the class, our class teacher told us name of our current prime minister. She said that it was P.P Narshima Rao. The next day same question was asked to whole class but no one was able to remember that name. I remember but not exactly, I stood up immediately and speak loudly “Mam it is P..p. p N.. Narshima Rao.” Whole class included teacher though burst to laugh at this funny speaking. I got shocked and felt guilty on what silly mistake I had done. That moment became unforgettable for me. After this whenever I stood up to answer a question in class, I got feared by previous experience. Some classmates start to imitate me by calling “P.P”. I started to block on difficult words, I hate that others laugh on me. I found myself always in a pressure of speaking fluently; but as much a tried to avoid it, I got more blocks. Something unusual was happening to me, I really wanted to look like others so I started to substitute the words. Nobody knew that I am a person who stutter, even not my family members. But every day of school was like a new pain for me. I always thought what would happen if a new teacher came and would start introduction of class. I used my whole energy to hide this thing; it was really a shameful sin to stutter in front of people. Although I was very good in study, I always topped the class in tests and exams. I thought nobody knew that I stutter and someday I would cure it by myself, but I was wrong; When I was in class 6th, one of my teacher called me and asked “Would you like to do a role in our school drama? We need a person who stammers to play just a small role of stammer.” I was really shocked how she got to know about this thing. I clearly refused to do so and ran away immediately. After this I became a shy and introvert personality. I was a student who always topped the class but never participated in stage activities of the school. I really wanted to show myself to others by performing on stage but every time I thought that this year I may stammer but certainly try in next year after cure hesitation. But instead of decreasing, stammering was increasing. School time passed without doing anything excited, 12th class also passed with good marks but now I started to feel that I am on falling verge. Stammering was consuming my whole energy and it was starting to show its effect in my study too. I took admission in engineering college but I found myself in worse situation than before. I started to afraid of talking new students, girls in class, teachers that’s why never asked a question in class to teacher. Although somehow I was successfully able to hide my stammering to my friends, teachers and everyone around me but I always found myself with a lot of anxiety and mental pressure. The biggest problem was that to whom I would share my buried pain. I always thought what I would do in my life. How I will be able to express myself to others. It was really a painful thing why nobody knows anything about it and only I was suffering with this. Sometime my whole day passed in thinking and contemplation.
                    Last year, I came in touch with some TISA member by Internet and phone. Attending communication workshop at Herburtpur was a life changing thing for me. I really enjoyed that meeting and realized how much I closed myself in cell. Stammering not only changing my way of speech but more effectively it was stopping me in many other areas too. I was avoiding many other tasks only because of speech. I realized that I didn’t like to face risk and secure myself before anything happen, so all the things I wanted to achieve threw my comfort zone. I met with other pws, share my pain, feelings and experience with them (I was really strange to know that all have almost similar experience). Seems like something a huge burden from my mind started to melt out. Meeting with them is like learning new education, change in attitude, ready to face the fear, self-believe, leaving the negative thoughts, developing social skills and many other things like way to meditation and spiritualism. Speaking to a group, doing funny activities, traveling to new places with friends was really like a dream come true. I got several friends from TISA who are always supportive and helpful. I told about my stuttering to my family, friends, close ones and classmates. I found myself more relieved than before. Yes I still stutter but now I am much comfortable with my stuttering and seems like no task in this world which I can’t do. I got my self-believe back. A long path still remains to achieve. I want to become a teacher because I want to speak a lot, want to share my knowledge and want to make this world more beautiful. I believe with TISA my dream will surely come true. Thanks to TISA and my friends for making my life so much comfortable and beautiful than before.

Me as Whitewasher ..

Today I was sleeping in day. I got dream of myself doing whitewash everywhere. I listen somewhere that we actually get dreams of those things which we want to do but cant do, because of society or may be some other reasons :-) That things store in our subconscious part of the mind and it releases when we fall asleep. Because in sleep we don't have control on our body or thoughts so they flow naturally as they want. If we have fear of something then we would always get dream of which scared us or we want to escape from something. If we want to murder someone then we really want to do same in our dream :-). If we want to do something unusual then our mind want to achieve this thing in our uncontrolled dreams. Coming back to my dream, in childhood I always like the way by which a white-washer transforms an ugly wall into a new one, just by playing with a brush and lime water.  It seems very funny and interesting how we can change our surrounding environment by just doing paints all around us. In dream, I wanted to color the walls of my room with different different colors. one wall with green color and it's opposite wall should be of yellow, the remaining adjacent walls also should of two different colors :-) and believe me it would be more a joy of pride if I perform this interesting work by my own hand. I took brush and bucket of lime water and started to play all around. I use white color most because I like two colors most, one is White and other is Sky blue. In my dream whenever I see any dirty or faded wall around me ,I started my work until I feel satisfied. I wandered in the streets of my city to locate the walls which needed whitewash immediately. I was very liking this work and fully enjoying myself in this...soon one of my friend entered in my room and awakened me by his loud voice. He loudly spoke "Sale college nhi chalna, kab tak soyega!!" I stand up in a surprised. I got some anger why he broke my such a beautiful dream. Sala kawab mein Haddi!!.Mota!! I wrote down this dream immediately because dreams start to vanish as soon as we woke up, because if they would won't vanish then would fill up our whole mind memory and it would be exhausted only by dreams. So if you want to remember your dream don't be late otherwise you will loose it :-)

Thursday, May 3, 2012

One year with TISA

I attended my first stammering workshop which held in Herburtpur from May 2 to May 6 2011. So one year has been passed but it doesn't seems like that it is only one year. It is like that I have all those TISA friends with me more than a decade. Yesterday, one of my friend, Rakesh reminds me by calling on phone, said "Umesh bhai aaj 2 may hai. aaj hume Tisa se jude pura ek saal ho gaye hai". I was astonished to think that if it was really one year passed. Remembering my old memories, I found myself that I get so many and good friends in this one year. I found myself so much changed from outside as well as from inside. But all this was happen only because of one big initiative, one encouraging step. If I did not attend that workshop by excusing myself, no change can ever be possible. I still remembered, I went alone by booking my reservation to Dehradun by train, perhaps I was quite nervous to think, what would be going to happen to me there because I had never taken a speech therapy, not even had a quite discussion about my stammering with anyone. I was thinking in whole journey that either it would be big step to live a life that I always dream of or it would be just a waste of time. I was lucky that I got to find two other people after reaching Dehradun railway station. But the funny thing which I was feeling after joining them that everyone was quite nervous to talk with each other. Mr. Rajender sharma and Ram Rajput were my two other pal. I remember my first day of workshop when I entered in the seminar hall of hospital. Perhaps we all were nervous to think what would be going to happen with us. Rakesh jaiswal, Anubhav beri and Reekrit were other guys whom I met there.  One more funny thing, we all wanted to show each other that I can speak better than the rest (now all it seems like craziness). Anyway It was awesome experience during whole workshop. First time I used to speak in front of group of people, first time I received round of applauds from others after speaking, no matter with dis fluency. We did lots of other fun and fear-melting activities like, we took stuttering interview of each others and then of strangers, we wear T-shirts with slogans written on them "Haklao Magar Pyar Se", we made call to our friends and family members to tell them that we are here in stammering workshop because we stammer. Last day we went to Samagra where we got a chance to meet with some foreigns students, we gave presentation there. We talked with them with our English (which always feared us more). Their support and friendly nature make us overwhelmed.
                 After spending all those precious moments in five days,there in Herburtpur. We returned with great worth, seems like we went with empty hands and now have so much with us that we could never got more than this. We had new friends, all questions were unveiled, we have techniques which can use use to get out of trouble but most important thing is; now we had believe in ourself with eyes were glittering with confidence. Now we were not alone. After that all is history, I attended one more workshop there, I attended Delhi workshop on stuttering awareness day (22 oct) and then National conference in Bhuwneswar, Lot of shg meetings with Delhi shg group, Shimla regional meeting was most awesome trip. All so many great things in just one year. Really unbelievable!!!
                 Every workshop and meeting with TISA friends was always awesome and boost up my confidence and self believe. Yes, I still stutter. who says TISA can cure you, but now stammering can't let me down. Now I doesn't stop myself because of little disfluency. Now I doesn't feel shame when I blocked or do bouncing in front of my classmates. Now I have learned how to make myself comfortable with my stuttering, how to control my stuttering in fearing situation and how can I stutter easily. All this was happen only because of first step which I took one year ago. Although lots of things still remain to achieve and I don't see any reason why I can't achieve them. Thanks TISA and all my friends who made this one year so much amazing for me.
Click here to watch all those photos of first meeting with TISA.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Write down Ten things for which you want to thank god..

Many times we people feed us with negative thoughts by comparing with others. We see faults and minus things in us. We hurt ourselves by registering case against us. Everyone have negative and positive things in himself but it is only our attitude which make us to feel better and relax. Why we always check out our negative things?? There must be certain positive things which we can use to override negative beliefs. Whenever you found your self depressed because you have something less than others, then just do this simple experiment. Just sit relax in a closed and quite room. Think about yourself.. What are things for which you want to thank god. There must be many things which you have but don't know because it is human nature to see the negative part of the every thing. When positive thoughts, good feelings about past or happy moments start to knock in in your mind..Just write down them on a notebook or paper. Try to remember at least 10 things for which you really wants to thank god. I am just writing my own. Of course If you like this little positive experiment then you can write your own here in comments. Here it comes mine..

1. Thank to god that I successfully completed my masters in engineering.
2.Thank to god that he gave me most awesome mother. She never put  me a slap even till now.
3. Thank to god that he gives me so nice sister. She provides money to me from her purse when I have short.
4. I really thankful to god that he provides me so nice friends because of my stuttering. I lived most beautiful moments of my life with them together.
5. I want to thank him because he made me so good that I have never made a fight or bad word with others.  I don't have enemy :D
6. I thank to god that he gave me good height and nice face.
7. I thank to god because of him now I am exploring myself from inside. A spiritual path.
8. I thank to god that I speak less, not like others who speaks anything like garbage, without a purpose. 
9. I thank to god that people like me as lovable one and feels comfortable in my company.
10. I thank to god that he have made me found of nature and rich by the heart. 
11. I really thankful to god that he gives me such nice hair which always make others Jealous :-)
12. Thank to god that I like singing. I never stop myself to sing whenever someone ask me to sing, no matter how bad i sing sometimes:-)
13. Thank to god that now I love to mediate and sitting alone quietly because of beloved Osho. i am exploring more of myself.
14. I found myself lucky that I have many good habits like reading good novels and magazines, traveling to new places and writing .  
15. Thank to god that because of fumbles in my speech I completely stop speaking lie which i do much in my childhood. speak once the truth and dont care to remember it.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Rain seduce me...

Really..I don't know, Is it specially happen with me or same with others too.. but rain really seduce me than any other thing. When I listen the sound of rain drops from outside floor, a great urge to go outside and feel them, start to popping out inside my heart. Last night there is slow shower of rain drop with heavy blowing air in the evening, I quickly went to terrace with my earphone in the ears, playing my favorite playlist.
             A high urge to scream the song with blowing air was making me uncomfortable. So I untied my emotions. I scream as much I can. It really feels awesome because no body can stop you there. I took deep breaths in fresh and moistures air. Every breath seems like a precious gift full of oxygen  which curing me from insides. I imagined, it would be more nice feelings if I have my girlfriend at this time with me. It would be so rare awesome if we would communicate here in blowing air with our screaming voices, undulate hair in air, trying to balance our body in equilibrium state according to demand of air, all this really feels so much enjoyable seems like I might grab these moments for my future and use them whenever I feel low. Romantic emotions deep inside from my heart wants to jump out. Then I came back down to my room. Sleeping alone on my personal bed starts to feel tough. Romantic, slow songs in my mobile don't stops till rain doesn't. I don't like to talk to my friends at that time, I close myself in my room and sense every bit of rain which come inside thru window. I don't want do anything at that time...Just simply feel and listen the voice from my heart. When I had slept in such thoughts, I don't know. I open my eyes in next cool morning and immediately thoughts of last night knocked my mind again..